I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
this will be a night to untag.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
