You work out of a Hotel?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
