Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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