just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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