Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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