Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
