turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
