i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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