I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
