Can i not drive my cunt home
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
