i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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