I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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