I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
