So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
