Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
