How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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