He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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