that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
