I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
