Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
