saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
