Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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