Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
