He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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