Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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