You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
