nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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