We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
