like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
