she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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