if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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