I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
