You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
