there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
True strength comes from lack of pants
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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