I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
