I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
