god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
