If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
