My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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