Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
