he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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