it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
