ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
