I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
