come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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