just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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