He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
