I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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