My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
