Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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