someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
