So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
