It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
