I met the friendliest cop last night
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
