I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
