hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
