Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
