apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
