So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
